I need to talk!!!!!!!! No one I know or wish to talk to is awake...it is a sign...of what I know not. Why am I an extrovert!!!! I hate it!!!! Yes, sometimes its nice to be outgoing and I love meeting people. But for the ability to work things out silently in your head...such a privilege I do not get. An introvert is fine on his/her own, but an extrovert needs people...WHY!!!! To be a loner, to be happy just to sit and ahhhh be alone. Aloneness is very scary, the thought gives me chills, but I want to be alone and with people all at the same time!!! I walked back to my room all by myself from LH (Longview Hall) and walking across the empty campus, not a soul in sight, oh, it was weird. It was as if I wished to be comfortable in that situation, but, yet I could not be, I thought about how wonderful it was to be out there, the beautiful night around me, then with a shock, I shuddered, I was alone...no one to help me or kill me or just be there to poke me...I was totally alone. I was surprised looking at my predicament...I could go anywhere, do anything, and no one would know the difference...one night, I, at random, put an away message, and went out for a walk, all by my lonesome, and it was great! I think the introvert, they are hiding some secret to the understanding of aloneness. It can make one feel powerful, and at the same time small. I looked up and saw the moon that night...it was HUGE with a awesome ring around it!!! I had never seen such a thing before, it was stunning...I stood in shocked silence (yes, I can be silent) and just wondered at the beauty of God's creation. I was yelling a question in my head at God when I saw the moon, why else would I have looked strait up overhead, and, yeah, well, it was as if God answered me, right then and there; He said that he was in control, and who am I to doubt. Well, me being the smart mouth I can be some times (my mom will tell you) I almost wanted to say that it was I Rachel who doubted...But then that brought up the question of who am I and what good does my puny word have against his, the mighty maker of heaven and earth!!! That night among many other things, I was distressed about my grandfather, though I did not know him well, I missed the fact that I did not get to know him well enough to so extremely miss him that I could cry. I can express my happiness!!! But if I ever feel sad or depressed (which happens more than I wish to say) I have no way of getting it out...its forever stuck inside me. I am a girl!!!!, we are suppose to be EMOTIONAL! but I am not, I cant cry at the drop of a hat. I feel like crying...like a soda being shaken, and then instead of opening up...the bottle stays sealed with the pressure built up inside...oh, I wish it would just explode! I want to cry and then get over it... That night I had a accounting test, mission trip change, homesickness, among other things. Every time I look or think about accounting it freaks me out!!! I don't know what to do about it...it wont disappear and I have been ignoring it!!! I did really poorly on my first test...and there seems to be no help and nothing any of us can do to avoid the destruction of all we hold dear...nothing can save us from the awfulestness (grasping for a suitable word for accounting and could think of no other that would be acceptable to write, much less think, so that will have to do) of accounting. I also went from the missions trip of my dreams to well somewhere else...I was going to work with kids in an orphanage to working in construction and drug rehabilitation people...
wow, that was a pretty amazing tangent...Lets do it again!!! I am feeling better now that some of my thoughts are out...but unfortunately for you, my reader, there are more, not all shareable but whatever.
Tonight, the awfulest thing happened with me and my roommate Sam and 41 (roommate and 41, someone save us!!!) Well, she was playing with one of them (no they are not cat toys, but similar) and yeah, things for my taste got out of hand. She, Sam, ended up being carried to 41's door and well, they were a bit loud and ended up with all parties getting a look (a certain RA can give a look to scare anything, or at least me) I was not part of it but was there in so my roommate would not be the only female there. I am afraid they might of thought that I was part of it...I was not. I just kinda strongly encouraged my roommate to get to our room, immediately!!!
WHY!!!!!!
Someone said that someone else really "does not like Rachel either"...what have I done to deserve this!!! I do not think I have done more than just say hello to this person a few times. Life can be sooo cruel. Well, I must complete my homework and then it off to bed with me. Maybe my computer will become more of a friend then others *shudders*, that will be the day.
What I really want to do is curl up with a great book with my cat on my lap in my bed and read the day away. I miss my cat, oh, how I miss her. Cat, I love you girl. Its a shame that cats cannot read. Oh, the soft fur, her jealous streak against books, annoying meow, and love of wet cat food... And my bed at home, such a memory that has all but faded... I miss my family too, ah, to be a child once again and to be, well, a child, so um, well, helpless, innocent, and adorable. I miss talking to my mom for hours on end about everything and anything...such a friendship nowhere else can be found. I miss hanging with my mom when my dad went out of town, we would watch TV, eat ice cream, and clean the house (some habits are hard to break). I miss my siblings (enjoy it, we will fight when I get home) to be able to pick on, fight with, hangout with, get to do random and sometimes horrible things with, and not worry about what they think of you because they are related to you and cannot do anything about it. Sharing the blame...hum, younger siblings are great for that... And not all the stupid things my siblings and I did as a kid were my ideas, we just fed off of each other. Calvin and Hobbes were are roll models!!! Oh, the fun hours of reading those books!!!
Ok, NO more homesickness aloud!!! OH I miss it all. I said stop!!! Your even making me homesick! Sorry. :-( Oh its no problem really if you stop. I will.
Ok so what!!! I am desperate for conversation, and people tell me I am interesting, so who better to talk to then myself?
I better go to bed now, Good mornight...
Did anyone ever tell her she talks to much???